Myth Busting...

I figure I should tackle this in some kind of logical order since my ass in on the line. Of course, since my brand of Immortal bastard doesn’t even know how to use the microwave, I think the internet is safe for a few more years. But, it’s not like there aren’t vampires on the web, so eventually someone is going to catch on to what I’m doing.

If I disappear without a trace, you’ll know they got me.

Anywho.

You know vampires exist now, so let me squash some of those ugly little lies the media has spoon fed you over the years. Hold on to your seats, Kids. This might bet bumpy.

#1. Vampires are allergic to the sun. Yes and no. They aren’t really allergic to it. It fucking kills them. When I think allergy, I think of some kid with a snotty nose running around with a bottle of Benadryl. This is not the case for vampires. They are cursed to never live in sunlight. Period. There’s no getting around it. It’s a fact. Even the Ancients can’t go out in the sun for more than a few seconds. It’s bad for business. Sticky, grey ash that’s easily mistaken for someone dumping out their BBQ grill - that’s all that’s left if a vampire doesn’t get home before sunrise.

#2. Vampires sleep all day. Again, yes and no. This is only true in the case of Fledglings (newly created vamps). Young vampires can’t do anything but sleep during the day. The curse of the sun is too strong for them to fight. But Elders and Ancients are another story. The old ones can stay up all day, and some only have to sleep for a few hours every month. So, if you have some friends who think hunting vampires during the day is a good idea, if you like them, I’d suggest advising them to watch for a while and try to discern an age first.

#3. Vampires are dead. Say it with me boy and girls, yes and no. Upon turning, the heart stops beating. That’s a given across the board. But when it comes to functions like blinking and breathing, age and consciousness have a lot to do with it. The older the vampire, the less likely they are to possess any human function. But for the young ones, subconscious and involuntary processes tend to stick around for a while. Now, that doesn’t mean they HAVE to breathe. They really don’t need to. Their mind just hasn’t caught up with them yet. It’s not necessarily a bad thing since it helps them stay in touch with their once human side. And the longer they can keep that side, the less likely they are to fall to the predator/beast/animal inside them. (We’ll talk about the beast another day.)

#4. A stake through the heart kills/incapacitates a vampire. HELL NO! Of all the myth’s, I’d advise you give up on this one the quickest. Staking a vampire doesn’t do anything but piss them off. Put your hammer down. Seriously, more humans have died because they believed this myth than any other. Vampires only die by two means: Sunlight and decapitation. That’s it, that’s all. Sunlight gets you the aforementioned sticky, grey ash. Decapitation results in said vampire bursting to a golden red haze, which fizzles away after about 15 seconds.

#5. Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies. Yes but no, but yes and no. A LONG, LONG time ago, yes. But now…not so much. Vampires are too busy fighting with other vampires to really care about the mangy dogs anymore, and vice versa. Most Vampire Lord’s (the heads of cities) have some kind of treaty in place with the werewolves of that area. It goes back to the Veil, and vampires feeling if they can keep werewolves secret too, they keep themselves hidden. LOGIC: The discovery of one supernatural race will inevitably lead to others.

Those are the major myths I thought most important to clear up. If you have any questions, or there’s another legend you want clarification on, by all means, you know where the comments are.

Tomorrow’s lesson: Vampire families and stereotypes. Pack a fucking lunch, it might take a while to wrap your human mind around it.