Life with a Vampire...

I disappeared...shoot me.

2008-05-03T18:58:00.006-04:00

I didn't do it because I wanted to. Trust me. But every now and then my Immortal Idiot actually makes me work.

Crazy, huh?

Anyway - after trudging around the Chicago for a few weeks and passing out contracts, I'm back and in perfect form. That is, if perfect means - pissy. Yes, I'm pissy.

I hate passing out contracts.

Assassins aren't necessarily my cup of tea. They tend to be a little too uppity for my tastes. It's like they think somehow everyone in the world should be scared of them. Yeah. Do I come off like the grab-some-kleenex-and-cry-for-mercy type to you?

I didn't think so.

Then again, I also know they wouldn't dare lay even a finger on me. I'm the Chief's favorite little servant. He'd die without me. Of course, I've also stated on numerous occasions, to more than one of his assassins, that if they so much as look at me funny I'll split them from tongue to balls then fingerpaint with their cursed blood.

Maybe that's why they all look at me a little funny. Oh well, keep your eyes out. Sometime in the coming week we'll move to the next vampire family and I'll illuminate the darkness for you.

Peace out my beotches.

High school anyone?

2008-04-11T15:04:00.002-04:00

Welcome back.

Now that you know vampires exist and how they came to be, let’s talk about the six families. Wow. I feel like I should have a tux on and a cigar hanging out of my mouth. But, then again, for all you know, I do. I suppose thinking of the families in terms of the Mafia would work, they’re all violent and want you to think they’re the most powerful. So I guess a Godfather reference is a little more apropos than I first thought.

Go figure.

There were six Original vampires, so there are now six bloodlines. While no one seems to know where the Originals went, or what face they wear in the modern era (if they’re still alive), we do know they passed their curse on to at least one other person way back when, and the viscous circle continues to this day.

Each line has a couple of names, so I’m going to try to keep this as neat as possible by tackling one a day for the next six days. Here we go with the first family, in completely random order…

Wait. First I have to give you a crash course on ages. Ancient refers to any vampire over 2,000 years of age. Elder refers to any vampire from 200 to 2,000 years old. And Fledgling refers to any vampire who’s spent less than 200 years dead.

If you happen to be reading this and you’re a Fledgling vampire…you fuckin’ owe me. Some of this info is probably news to your watery ass. (For my precious humans, calling a Fledgling watery refers to the power of their blood. Since vamps only get more powerful as they age, someone who’s only been dead for a decade is about as watery as it gets.)

Now we move to the good stuff…

Golden Guild / Generals / Trumps:

Human high school stereotype: Preps

Referred to as members of the Golden Guild by Ancients, Generals by Elders, and Trumps by Fledglings, this family has everything to do with land and title. A long time ago they were Kings and Queens or maybe even merchants. Now, they’re stockbrokers and CEO’s. They love money. They love nice clothes. And they love to flaunt anything they might have that is better than what you have.

If you can say, “I can’t believe that waiter spilled the bottle of Romane Conti on my hand-tailored Armani suit,” without batting an eyelash – you belong with the Trumps.

While the Trumps aren't my favorite family, I do happen to know a few who don't make me want to puke on sight. Derek Ballard is one of them. Long, blond hair, face and body chiseled from the finest golden stone, and the best Armani clad ass I've ever seen on a man. If I had fangs, I'd sink them into his delicious skin in a heartbeat.

Now I need a cold shower. I'll be back tomorrow.

It's all in the Family... (to the tune of Korn's song.)

2008-04-10T11:34:00.005-04:00

In my haste to pack you full of information, which could also be mistaken for sharing…I realized you should probably learn how vampires came to be before I tell you about families or stereotypes.

I’m going to make this short and sweet, mainly because I’m considered young and don’t know the whole scope of the story, but pay attention anyway.

In the beginning there were only Celestials. From what I understand, Celestials are essentially “heavenly bodies”, deities, consisting of pure magic and energy. They wandered around the universe wreaking havoc on everything around them, creating and destroying on a whim.

Aligon is the oldest. One day he apparently looked around and said, “Hey, this is whack. You young bitches don’t know anything about patience, so here’s a lesson.” He then created the earth. And because he was so proud of it, he gifted it to his twins: one boy and one girl. For our purposes, we’ll call the girl, Sem, and the boy, Lev. You never want to use their true names, it’s BAD.

Sem, being all good and beautiful, gave the world the sun and all the pretty things.

Lev, being a dark, hateful bastard, gave the world the moon and all things dark and angry.

Thinking his kids had created a pretty good balance, Aligon shed a tear of pride and BANG! humans sprouted up from it.

To make a really, really long story short. Six humans started worshiping Sem, while another six started worshiping Lev. Each Twin gifted their followers (I like to call them cults) with certain magics and powers to make them more powerful than the other cult, and the rest of the humans.

Sem’s cult became known as “The Children of Dawn”.

Lev’s cult became known as “The Children of Shadow”.

You see where this is about to go bad, don’t you?

The Twins got pissed when neither of their cults were able to convert everyone to their cause. So, in a hissy fit of epic proportions, the Twins started cursing each other’s cults.

When all was said and done, Sem’s Children of Dawn became werewolves, and Lev’s Children of Shadow became vampires.

But somewhere in the mix, a husband and wife ended up in opposite cults. And the wife was pregnant. So now there’s a kid running around (we call him the Equilibrium) who’s both a werewolf and a vampire, and he has no idea where he fits in. Poor guy.

In any event, Aligon got pissed, yanked his kids out of the world, then lectured them in the cosmos long enough that all the innocent humans rose up and forced the cults into hiding. In the meantime, Aligon created Paladin’s out of some innocents (I guess they’re born to every generation of humans or some crazy shit like that), who were charged with protecting humanity from the vamps and werewolves.

Then Aligon tossed the Twins back into the world and bound them to it. And then, the spiteful bastard took away their ability to see each other. Can you say dysfunctional family? I can.

There, now you have an idea of how vampires and werewolves came to be. They are cursed, but not by God, which is what Aligon is called now. They’re cursed by the Twins who couldn’t share. Now the vamps and wolves hide behind the Veil and continue the war between Sem and Lev, while Aligon sits back and refuses to do anything to help anyone.

Aligon says “destiny will seek its own end”. Personally, I just hope that’s meant figuratively, and there isn’t some pissed of woman named Destiny running around deciding the fate of the world.

So there you have it. A brief and rather witty synopsis of “The Legend”.

Tomorrow we’ll move to vampire families and the stereotypes surrounding them. Like I said, I figured you needed to learn where vamps came from before we got into what they’ve become.

Myth Busting...

2008-04-08T12:11:00.002-04:00

I figure I should tackle this in some kind of logical order since my ass in on the line. Of course, since my brand of Immortal bastard doesn’t even know how to use the microwave, I think the internet is safe for a few more years. But, it’s not like there aren’t vampires on the web, so eventually someone is going to catch on to what I’m doing.

If I disappear without a trace, you’ll know they got me.

Anywho.

You know vampires exist now, so let me squash some of those ugly little lies the media has spoon fed you over the years. Hold on to your seats, Kids. This might bet bumpy.

#1. Vampires are allergic to the sun. Yes and no. They aren’t really allergic to it. It fucking kills them. When I think allergy, I think of some kid with a snotty nose running around with a bottle of Benadryl. This is not the case for vampires. They are cursed to never live in sunlight. Period. There’s no getting around it. It’s a fact. Even the Ancients can’t go out in the sun for more than a few seconds. It’s bad for business. Sticky, grey ash that’s easily mistaken for someone dumping out their BBQ grill - that’s all that’s left if a vampire doesn’t get home before sunrise.

#2. Vampires sleep all day. Again, yes and no. This is only true in the case of Fledglings (newly created vamps). Young vampires can’t do anything but sleep during the day. The curse of the sun is too strong for them to fight. But Elders and Ancients are another story. The old ones can stay up all day, and some only have to sleep for a few hours every month. So, if you have some friends who think hunting vampires during the day is a good idea, if you like them, I’d suggest advising them to watch for a while and try to discern an age first.

#3. Vampires are dead. Say it with me boy and girls, yes and no. Upon turning, the heart stops beating. That’s a given across the board. But when it comes to functions like blinking and breathing, age and consciousness have a lot to do with it. The older the vampire, the less likely they are to possess any human function. But for the young ones, subconscious and involuntary processes tend to stick around for a while. Now, that doesn’t mean they HAVE to breathe. They really don’t need to. Their mind just hasn’t caught up with them yet. It’s not necessarily a bad thing since it helps them stay in touch with their once human side. And the longer they can keep that side, the less likely they are to fall to the predator/beast/animal inside them. (We’ll talk about the beast another day.)

#4. A stake through the heart kills/incapacitates a vampire. HELL NO! Of all the myth’s, I’d advise you give up on this one the quickest. Staking a vampire doesn’t do anything but piss them off. Put your hammer down. Seriously, more humans have died because they believed this myth than any other. Vampires only die by two means: Sunlight and decapitation. That’s it, that’s all. Sunlight gets you the aforementioned sticky, grey ash. Decapitation results in said vampire bursting to a golden red haze, which fizzles away after about 15 seconds.

#5. Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies. Yes but no, but yes and no. A LONG, LONG time ago, yes. But now…not so much. Vampires are too busy fighting with other vampires to really care about the mangy dogs anymore, and vice versa. Most Vampire Lord’s (the heads of cities) have some kind of treaty in place with the werewolves of that area. It goes back to the Veil, and vampires feeling if they can keep werewolves secret too, they keep themselves hidden. LOGIC: The discovery of one supernatural race will inevitably lead to others.

Those are the major myths I thought most important to clear up. If you have any questions, or there’s another legend you want clarification on, by all means, you know where the comments are.

Tomorrow’s lesson: Vampire families and stereotypes. Pack a fucking lunch, it might take a while to wrap your human mind around it.

Welcome to the Darkness...

2008-04-07T21:47:00.002-04:00

Right now, I figure you're probably asking yourself, "Why the hell is this woman blogging about life with a vampire?"

My answer: Because I live with a vampire.

If you don't like my answer, I suggest you surf over to some other blogger's site and learn about kittens and roses like a good little bitch. Did that offend you? If you’re nodding at your monitor right now, then you definitely need to go elsewhere. This is not a place for the weak at heart or those whose moral compass always points to “Good”.

What I'm about to share with the world, without my Master's knowledge, might just make you piss your Hello Kitty panties. And for fuck's sake, the last thing I need to be held responsible for is your incontinence. Trust me. I get blamed for enough on a nightly basis.

First, I figure I have to offer a little explanation. Let me make it as simple as possible: Vampires are real.

There, I said it. You were waiting for it, weren’t you?

If you live in a major city and you’ve been on the sidewalk in a busy part of town after sunset, you’ve most likely seen one. Seriously, stop shaking your head. You’ve seen one, you just don’t know it. Don’t feel bad, you aren’t supposed to know. If you did, then well, we’d all be in a lot of trouble.

Rule #1: The Veil is a must. Without it, the world would go to hell in a Cracker Jack box.

And that’s exactly why you don’t know about vampires. The Veil, the code of secrecy they live by, keeps them safe from crazy scientists who’d like to vivisect them. It also keeps freaky Goth boys and girls from cutting themselves and bleeding on my Master’s front porch. Don’t make me pull out the Emo jokes Ladies and Germs - we’ll be here for days.

Okay, so aside from the Veil, there’s still another reason why you don’t know about vampires. It’s because you’ve bought into modern media and all the bullshit stereotypes, just like every other human out there. The chances of finding a raven haired, skin as pale as plaster, cape wearing Romanian are about as slim as not being called an asshole if you run across any street in Manhattan during rush hour. Throw out everything, every little scrap of legend you know, and say this with me three times: The vampires I see on the street look just like everyone else.

Congrats, now you have a clue. After all, if they looked like vampires, their existence wouldn’t exactly be a secret, would it now, Genius?

Are there some Romanian, cape wearing bastards out there? Of course, but they’re older than dirt and if you run into one of them on the street…something is seriously wrong. Unless he has long black hair, a face to die for, and acts like a frat boy. In that case, you’ve run into Odin and he’s practically harmless. Note: I said practically. Don’t go off half cocked and piss in his Cheerio’s. He never was a fan of that.

I think this is a good place to leave your mind at the moment. Take in what I’ve told you. Let it marinate. Give it some time to digest. I’ll come back and fuck with your head a little more tomorrow.